the melancholy of resistance

oh god.....i have to do all i can to avoid buying all of the siouxsie and the banshees albums all at once. i'm a goth at heart, it seems. at least i act like it.

I had a really, really terrible day in drawing today.....I was honestly near tears. so fucking horrible, I packed my shit up and walked out about 2/3 of the way through the class. My teacher asked, "you're going to finish next week, aren't you?" i just said, "yes, I need to figure this out for myself." and left. so fucking painful.....this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (one of.....).

whenever something bad like this happens I tend to buy books. some people eat pints of ice cream, I just add to my library. picked up the Station Hill Blanchot Reader, and his book, "The Space of Literature" which I was reading last semester but never made it through.

with blanchot, it feels like some people can appreciate it on a really intellectual level (like Gary Hill, at least judging from "anticipation of a disaster") but this shit is my life. doubt, uncertaintly, ending in inaction, vertigo of inertia. the first 5 pages of "the one who was standing apart from me" is what's rattling through my head all the time.

looks like I'll be doing/helping in a little workshop on documentary photo for teachers in flushing. i'm kinda excited, i've never been to flushing, maybe I'll go to the mandir in the morning, and do darshan (for the first time in my life). it should be a lot of fun.....chris sent me an email about it, his roomate stephanie is in a bind, and she needed someone to fill in in a pinch. chris couldn't do it, so he dropped me the note. honestly, i'm really touched and very glad.....gotta make sure i keep up with chris, he's a great guy, with cool ideas and a lot of drive. at the party he mentioned that we should go to Halcyon some time, which i imagine is a club down in Soho (maybe). Djs there spin a lot of 94-96, dark, hard techstep stuff that I love so much.

saw Muhammad Ali: The Greatest at Film Forum tonight, really grand, William Klein is absolutely unbelievable. Every *frame* is so dripping with his vision......the fight sequence in Zaire, goddamn, he's so amazing. gonna see Mr. Freedom on Tuesday, should be fantastic.

been thinking about critical historiography a bit lately....somewhere down the road i will have to make some sort of reconcialliation with the role of history in what I want to do (what is it again that I want to do? was it ethics? maybe) i think that foucault's methodology will play a big part in whatever I do, his essay, "what is enlightenment" is pretty amazing. I want to read Michel de Cetreau's "The Writing of History" (is that the title?) and Hayden V. White's "Metahistory", along with the Ernest Cassirer stuff, maybe over the summer.

Caroliner was rad, weird squoogly caveman stomp wiith the most insane visual element i've ever seen. it was a pretty foul day at work, and about 4-5 hours of studying at the library afterwards, so I was really in the mood to like it. very nice......their costumes were astounding as well.

i called sarah today, and she left a message on my voicemail.....i must say that I am at the same time relieved, and also a little disappointed that she doesn't hate me and refuse to call me, both of which would be completely understandable. she's says going to maine this weekend.

just looked over _War All the Time: Poems 1981-1984_ by Bukowski. These used to be my least favorite of all of his work, but now, I've changed my mind, and I like them a lot. It's about someone who has suceeded, and managed to make a fairly middle class living out of constantly failing, and documenting that failure. So, now he has all the stuff he was complaining about not having before. The catch is, is that in order to keep suceeding, he has to keep up what he was doing before. Here's a man, who has what he's wanted, and is *still* complaining. An unrepentant whiner, my kind of guy.

I recently downloaded some old episodes of Aeon Flux, and was reminded of how much of an impact they had on me (I barely understood, I readily admit it was because Aeon was hot). When I have a little more time, I'd like to look at it really closely....however, it does strike me that the way the landscape is structured (not empirically structured, but something else) reminds me of the spaces my dreams take place in.

i also remember that a Sister's of Mercy song struck me as being especially mysterious and intersted when I was in elementary school.....i wish i remember which one. It feels like I'm looking for the same thing as I was back then....the mysterious, the vertical, the inward. i was never really all that interested in what the forest looked like at night, but I would spend hours looking around in my bedroom at night, without my glasses, not sleeping, but listening to the radio. maybe that's why St. Augustine resonates so deeply, he and Joy Division and Mallarme, and Bela Tarr and Toshi Nakamura and Keith Rowe.
writing this research paper makes me feel like i'm learning to write again. it's exaspering, but kind of exhilierating at the same time. gonna listen to this siouxsie and the banshee's song one more time, and then to bed.

some songs that are going to be in the musical that I intend to write one day:

Siouxsie and the Banshees- Cities in Dust
Will Oldham- Death to Everyone
Birthday Party- She's Hit
Braid- Roses in the Car
Joan of Arc- This Life Cumulative
Coil- Love's Secret Domain